I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
