I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
