you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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