Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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