You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
