I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
