I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
These 23 Groupies Had The Most Insane Sexual Experiences With Celebs
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
35 Of The Funniest Things People Said While Banging
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.