I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.