there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
