in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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