I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
