Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
