I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Randomize
