Capitaan dildo arrescate!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
