Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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