By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
