My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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