I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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