Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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