worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
