Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
