i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
