I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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