NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
