I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
