I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
