It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
