Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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