I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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