remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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