we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
