I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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