need another drink. this is the easiest way
What a fucking waste of an outfit
honey bunches of taint.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
