He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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