I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
