whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
