why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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