He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
