you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
