I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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