I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
