Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
