i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
