She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize