I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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