So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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