Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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