the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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