my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
