Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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