He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
