If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
