While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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