I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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