remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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