I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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