i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
