i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
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